


i don't think i can go back

by aloistrancy



Category: Winner (Band)
Genre: M/M, once again i would die for nam taehyun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-28
Updated: 2017-07-28
Packaged: 2018-12-08 00:13:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11634900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aloistrancy/pseuds/aloistrancy
Summary: For a second he felt regret wash through him. Had he made the wrong decision? Then he would think of days where he couldn’t get out of bed and his body felt so heavy he thought he may be crushed beneath the weight of himself. The monumental pressure that came with idol life had run him ragged and dry.





	i don't think i can go back

**Author's Note:**

> anyway i just want to remind everyone seungyoon literally loves taehyun so much and so do i wow. this is literally me just venting through them tbh dkvhguf

Guilt was something one could not so easily get past. It took two parties to squash guilt and Taehyun didn’t have that sort of access anymore. Life had been so strange after his contract was terminated. Of course he felt free and like he could breathe again. Yet he couldn’t forget the looks his former members tried to put on as he told them he was leaving for good. They all tried to be encouraging as they had through the whole ordeal. Taehyun wondered if they felt like he was being selfish by leaving. He didn’t have the nerve to ask, he didn’t want to be right. Though he had known his Winner members for years he didn’t know what they were thinking all the time as much as he liked to pretend he did. He didn’t have time to ask either, there was never a moment for them to sit down and talk it out with one another. They weren’t awarded that time because Taehyun had to go to his mother’s and Winner had to have their comeback. He was happy when he saw them on music shows again, when he got to hear them on stage. It was where they belonged and just because he could so easily see the gaping hole he left it didn’t mean anyone else could. It hurt the first time his mother called him into the living room and smiled at him sadly as he nodded towards the television. For a second he felt regret wash through him. Had he made the wrong decision? Then he would think of days where he couldn’t get out of bed and his body felt so heavy he thought he may be crushed beneath the weight of himself. The monumental pressure that came with idol life had run him ragged and dry. 

Nam Taehyun was not down for long, he never could be. He had the heart of an artist and that always kept him going. Even before when he thought he may collapse from exhaustion. It was always about bringing his art to life, showing the world what he could do and how he thought. Was that selfish? Taehyun didn’t know. And now he didn’t have to care. He was free from restriction and when he bought his own studio with the last of his earnings he couldn’t help but breathe another sigh of relief. Even as he stood in his studio surrounded by instruments that made him destitute. He would struggle for it, he would do anything for this. Music was all he had left. It was the only thing that calmed his mind when things got so hard.

When he began to work on songs he wondered if the fans would dislike it. Would they think he moved on so quickly? Even when all the lyrics were aimed at the people he left behind. It was so easy to romanticize the pain and the longing he still felt. Taehyun just hoped people liked it and even if they didn’t, he did. Life after Winner was for him, it was time for him to grow and learn and become confident in himself as an artist once more. The training period had taken it’s toll on him, the exhaustion had done little more than deteriorate his mind further. And when they finally got to debut after a grueling survival show where they didn’t get to show their best sides, Taehyun almost felt like he’d never stopped being exhausted. It hadn’t even been two years and Taehyun knew he was done for. He was always cooped up in his room avoiding the others, he didn’t want to rub off on them. Even after he started to go to therapy he wasn’t sure if he’d ever be okay. Slowly but surely he began to pour himself into songs and that became his release. Whenever he reflected on Winner and all that he put his members through he’d finish another song. And soon enough he knew what he wanted to do. He had the confidence that this time it would work out. Well he faked the confidence at least. 

South Club was his saving grace. Just when he thought he’d lost everything and everyone he met like minded people. At first they just played a few covers together for fun. And then Taehyun saw what they were capable of and what they could become. Just after the New Year they had their very first gig and Taehyun never felt more alive than he did on that stage. Backed by his band Taehyun knew this was where he’d always belonged. He got to scream his heart out and sweat from thrashing around on stage like he hadn’t a care in the world. And when the crowd somehow sang the words back to him he nearly couldn’t contain the tears that threatened to fall. 

Life went of as it did and each day Taehyun grew more and more content. No longer was he pushed to the limit and forced to be someone he wasn’t. Sure, people may have blamed him for everything that had happened to Winner but how could that be true? He was only one member. Some days he wondered if his mental health was really such a big issue because out of that environment he was much better. Maybe that looked bad on his part. Leaving Winner and just over three months later he debuted another project. Thankfully Taehyun wasn’t big on reading online comments. 

Though life went on things were very different. Before he’d lived with four others and there was never a moment of silence. Now, all he had was his own thoughts to dwell on. Sometimes that was dangerous for someone like Taehyun. It was easy for him to reflect on all the things he’d done wrong and all the suffering he put people through. He’d been put through suffering as well hadn’t he? It was so hard to ever see himself as the victim even as he read the statement his former company put out. It listed off all the reasons why Winner hadn’t come back and how it all seemed to be Taehyun’s mental health. Was it really his fault if he couldn’t control it? At the time he just let things be said, he let the dust settle so to speak. Now he wondered if he really was to blame for everything. Would it have been the same had it been another member? Taehyun wasn’t so sure but he knew deep down that he never belonged there. Despite having a dream sometimes you had to stumble on your way there. 

He tried not to reflect on it because he knew people thought he was weak. Some people never liked him to begin with and though he had come to terms with that it still hurt. Now he could be whoever he wanted to be without the scrutiny of the industry on his back. It was freeing and liberating and his mind was free to heal. Taehyun had all the time in the world now, there was no deadlines or evaluations he had to go through. It was his time now and he could breathe. 

The news of his former boss’s father came to him suddenly in a melancholic way. Should he go to the funeral? Should he go offer his well wishes? What if he wasn’t welcome? Taehyun swallowed his fear and knew there was going to be a small gathering after the initial funeral. His former manager who he still spoke with texted him the details and told him there was nothing to fear. Right. Taehyun wasn’t sure if he was ready to face everyone he had known once more. It wasn’t like they ended on horrible terms but they hadn’t spoken for months. Would they welcome him back? Taehyun ran a hand through his hair as he scolded himself for being selfish. This wasn’t about him. His anxiety could stay on mute for a moment. This was about being there for someone you once knew. It took him more than a minute to gather himself and get out of the back of the cab. Nervously he approached the building after he’d lifted his sunglasses into his long hair. Would they even recognize him anymore? He tugged at the collar of his turtleneck and slipped into the ballroom which had been labelled Yang Family. 

His stomach was in his throat as he approached his old boss. It was strange to come face to face with him after months of silence. And when they embraced Taehyun couldn’t remember a time that had happened before. It was strange the man that made him also broke him in a way. That was another lyric for another time. 

“Thank you for coming. Make sure you see the boys.” Taehyun smiled warmly and bowed his head. He couldn’t help but feel the familiar tug of ache in his chest as he finally turned his gaze in their direction. It was like the air had been knocked out of him. They all looked the same (why would they have changed?) and for some reason Taehyun thought they looked perfect as four. Well three and Seunghoon was off leaning over the h'orderves table. Very typically. Should he go to them? Would they welcome him? His heart pounded in his chest and before he could make a decision he met Seungyoon’s eyes. It was like a punch to the gut, suddenly he felt breathless. Taehyun hadn’t seen that pretty face in months and now they stood across the room from one another. 

Seungyoon was quick to wave him over but Taehyun felt like he’d been cemented on the spot. Finally he nodded and gathered his bearings once more. He was Nam Taehyun after all he could do anything. He crossed the room and his eyes never left Seungyoon, now with his bleached hair and Taehyun had his own natural dark hair they felt like opposites. It was how they always were. Taehyun was considered cold and closed off while Seungyoon was warm and kind to everyone. But to Taehyun Seungyoon meant home and comfort and leadership. He was everything that had kept Taehyun going rolled into one. And Taehyun had left him behind like he was nothing. Guilt washed over him as he approached his former members. 

“You look particularly goth.” Minho commented with a small grin. He’d always been the one to brave the storm. He was always easy going despite wearing his heart on his sleeve. Taehyun could do little more than smile sadly at them. 

“We should go eat.” Jinwoo suggested with a small nod. He didn’t look particularly happy but then again they were at a wake. “Sunbaenim suggested it to me. Come with us maknae.” 

Taehyun nodded eagerly still not confident that his voice wouldn’t shake. He could feel Seungyoon’s eyes on him. They had always been beautiful and bright now they looked clouded over with someone akin to anger. Taehyun didn’t blame him. In all honesty Taehyun was often shocked when Seungyoon wasn’t mad at him. In the past he always made himself difficult and in turn that made it difficult for others. Particularly Seungyoon who was their group's leader and in charge of keeping everything in check. Taehyun’s personality didn’t really allow for wiggle room, he was cold and sarcastic and people wrote him off as a diva but Seungyoon never cared. He was always warm and affectionate with Taehyun even when the younger brushed him off or made fun of him. Taehyun wondered why he didn’t embrace it more. Why didn’t he just let himself be cared for? 

“I need to talk to Taehyun for a minute.” Seungyoon spoke in that tone that no one questioned. It was his leader voice. Taehyun shivered as he stopped in his tracks. The group had left the ballroom and now stood in the lobby of the building. Seungyoon met his gaze and nodded towards the bathrooms. Taehyun swallowed thickly but followed. What could he possibly have to say to him he couldn’t say in front of the others? 

“What the fuck?” Seungyoon started off eloquently. Taehyun couldn’t recall a time when he heard the other curse. “Why are you here? After all this time you think you can just walk back into our lives? Taehyun you don’t just get to dance around and play maestro.” 

“Why would I think that? I came to show my respect, I didn’t come to make you upset.” Taehyun shook his head. He could see dark strands of his own hair fall out of the place in the mirror behind Seungyoon. It was now he noticed how different they had become. Seungyoon was eloquent and classic. Taehyun was more or less the embodiment of _‘I don’t give a fuck’_ in a turtleneck. 

“Well you did.” Seungyoon stared at him. Taehyun had never seen him look so cold but he knew he deserved it. He had done this to him, to all of them. How many nights had the two of them struggled together? And for what? For Taehyun to leave Seungyoon behind without an explanation. “You left a gaping hole in us, you can’t just walk back in like that.” 

“I’m not trying to walk back into anything.” Taehyun confessed as he leaned against the counter. “I know that I owe you more than I gave you. I left you with a statement written by someone else. I know it was wrong but I thought it was right at the time. I thought it was the right thing-” Taehyun took a small breath as he gathered his thoughts. “It wasn’t. But I was scared and I fucked up.” 

“Yeah you did.” Seungyoon muttered. Before Taehyun could apologize again the other was filling the space between them. Taehyun’s skin was buzzing the moment Seungyoon touched him. With his hands on Taehyun’s hips he whispered, “You fucked up.”

Taehyun was floundering on the spot. How could someone’s touch leave him so shaken up?

“I know.” Taehyun tilted his head back slightly. Just enough to take in the sight of Seungyoon. His hair colour washed him out but Taehyun sort of liked the ashen sick look. “I was wrong.” 

“Say you’re sorry you selfish bastard.” Seungyoon’s eyes watered as he stared down at Taehyun. “Tell me how much better you are now.” 

“Seungyoon.” Taehyun murmured softly. He lifted his hands slowly to cup the other’s face. His thumbs brushed across Seungyoon’s cheekbones and it was like they’d been transported back in time. Back when things were easier and they belonged together. Before Taehyun moved out of the dorms and stopped getting out of bed all together. “You’re a fool.” 

“Don’t do that. Not with me.” Seungyoon whispered. His dark eyes slipped shut as he pleased. Taehyun didn’t want to hear that from him. “Don’t do that thing where you pretend not to care. Where you try to be cryptic and have deep meaning. Don’t.” 

“Let me finish.” Taehyun whispered. “I heard you wrote that song about me. With me in mind. I was a fool too. For what I did to you. I left you behind with little more than a goodbye. I let you think that statement was all I had to say. It wasn’t. A day didn’t go by that I didn’t regret not explaining myself to _you_. You because you’ve always been the one there for me. You’ve always been on my side even when no one else was.” 

“I would have been on your side for this too.” Seungyoon blinked his eyes opened once more. Taehyun could see the way his eyeliner had started to smudge from tears. “I always have been on your side. I never listened to what anyone said because it was never true. Not a fucking word. You were never hard to work with and you were never a burden to us. We would have waited forever for you.” 

Taehyun was stunned into silence. He’d gone so long that he had just accepted that he was to blame. All he could do was search Seungyoon’s face for a lie but had he ever done that before? Of course not. He was an honest and good person. Far too good for Taehyun. 

“I didn’t want it anymore.” Taehyun whispered. “I know you think I had no say but I chose to leave just as much as I was pushed away. I’m not good at it. You were born for it. You’re persistent and brave and have courage I could never have. I wasn’t built like you were, not mentally or physically. I can’t handle the pressure of idol life but look at you. You look like you invented it.” 

Taehyun wanted his mind to not go to the lyrics of Fool. Had Seungyoon really thought about him as he wrote it? Is that how he really felt? Did he long for Taehyun the same way Taehyun longed for him? What they had before it wasn’t love, no, but it was the closest thing to it. It felt strange to stand here with Seungyoon’s face in his hands. Like they had done a million times in secret in their dorm, the company building, the studio. Any place that would offer them privacy where they could just be comfortable in their own skin together. 

“Everything was about you. The song, all of it. It’s yours.” Seungyoon muttered. Suddenly an annoyed edge entered his voice. “I’m yours. Don’t you see it? Don’t you get it? I was a fucking fool but I didn’t let you go. You left.” 

“I know.” Taehyun whispered. He did. There was nothing he could say other than to admit his pride got in the way. That he had run to hide and lick his wounds. 

“You know? You fucking know? You don’t know a thing.” Seungyoon shook his head as he stepped back out of Taehyun’s hands. His fists now balled at his sides. Taehyun glanced down at them and stared. He hadn’t seen Seungyoon angry before at least not for real. Slowly he let his gaze trail back up to his face. How easily those beautiful features screwed up into something so broken. That’s what it was. Anger to mask the pain. The pain Taehyun caused. “You think you know how I feel. You think you have everyone and everything figured out and you just sit up on your throne to judge everyone.” 

Is that how he appeared? Taehyun never thought highly of himself, not with a crumbling mental state and knowing he was failing his group. He wasn’t better than anyone he was a coward. Slowly he stepped back until he was pressed to the door. His gaze stayed on Seungyoon’s ever changing face. How could he look so haunted and enraged in one expression? 

“You just think everyone else is so meaningless don’t you?” Seungyoon shouted. His words always became more pronounced when he was mad. “You can just so easily leave me behind like I didn’t matter.” And finally Taehyun got it. Seungyoon felt abandoned. Taehyun had thought they were all fine, they all acted like it. He didn’t even imagine they were going through what he was and that’s where Seungyoon was right. He was wrong for that. 

“Not you.” Taehyun whispered. That seemed to anger Seungyoon more. His eyes widened as he exhaled sharply. “Never you.”

“Shut up. You don’t mean that.” Seungyoon crowded into Taehyun’s space. The younger so easily tilted his head up to meet Seungyoon’s mouth. And the world seemed to snap back into place when their lips met. There was nothing Taehyun could ever say to explain himself. His hands were quick to slide around Seungyoon’s waist as he took control. Maybe the other would feel his intention. 

“I couldn’t face you.” Taehyun admitted softly as he pulled away from the kiss. He never thought he’d be able to do that again in his life. Never had Taehyun imagined he and Seungyoon would even be in the same room. “Is that what you want to hear?”

“Yes! Tell me you’re fucking human. Tell me how much it hurt.” Seungyoon stared at him wide eyed. His eyes filled with tears that finally spilled over. 

“It killed. It killed me to leave his office and know that it was the last time. Even if every other fucking time it had been to hear I wasn’t good enough! I am good enough.” Taehyun shouted. A sensation of relief wash over him as he finally let out the emotions he’d bottled up. “I knew I was leaving you all and I didn’t know what to say. It was all my fault right? Get the fucking basket case out of the group before he kills someone right?” Taehyun had asked voice quick and sharp as he spoke. “That’s all I was to you, a liability. Not even able to perform and holding you back. They didn’t want me to snap I guess.

“You’re more than whatever they said to you.” Seungyoon scowled. “You’ve always been integral to Winner you always will be so long as your name is on the fine print. Without you things would have been so different. Who I be without you?” 

“It’s better this way. For you and them. For me. We can’t dwell on the past because it was already decided.” Taehyun whispered as he let his hand rest on the small of Seungyoon’s back. “I’m sorry for what I put you through.” Slowly he pulled Seungyoon forward and buried his face in his neck. When he felt that familiar tight grip around him Taehyun couldn’t help but sob. It felt like so long since someone had held him and actually let him feel emotions. He’d been on auto pilot since he left and he finally got to admit how he felt. “I was disposable to them, nothing more than a road block. It’s fine this way. It’s better this way.” 

“You’re free to be you.” Seungyoon whispered as he wrapped his arms around Taehyun. “You’re great at being you by the way.” Taehyun could hear the smile through his tears. It was the genuine smile that met his eyes. 

“I don’t want to be me if I can’t be with you.” Taehyun laughed breathlessly through his tears. It was wax poetic, it didn’t hold a ounce of reality in it. Taehyun knew they were now walking down different paths. Taehyun with his band and Seungyoon with Winner. 

“You always did have a weird way of saying I love you.” Seungyoon whispered as he pressed a kiss to Taehyun’s head. “I love you too.”


End file.
